I've been avoiding posting for a couple of days because I feel like I don't know how to express myself about this issue. My oldest son Wade has decided to go into the Navy. He went to bootcamp this last Tuesday. You know, when he was little he was the most adorable little guy. He wanted to go to church every week and he loved the gospel. He was always sooo loving and positive. When he did something wrong, he would come and put his arms around me and tell me how sorry he was. If I cried he would hug me and tell me everything would be o.k. (A little tearful here)
How does a Mom who has raised her children in the gospel get past the fact that her son doesn't want to go on a mission. How do I get past the feeling that somewhere I must have done something wrong. I know, I know, it's their choice. Our Father in Heaven gave us free agency. But those Moms with little Sunbeams, look at your little boy....you just know that he's gonna be your little missionary. I felt that way too. For some reason, Wade decided not to go. He's had problems since he was in High School and has made some really bad decisions. Some that might follow him with consequences. But he's a good kid. And I love him sooo much. I know that I shouldn't be so affected by this, but it has broken my heart...I cry about it all the time. I try to forget about it but I can't. For some reason, I have always felt that there is something important that he's supposed to do. And then I think, is he supposed to do it on his mission and he's not going. Will some family have to wait another 20 years before they receive the gospel. Shoot, I want to go for him.
And I'm gonna be honest here, I hate that my family judges me about it. My parents, even though they don't realize it, make me feel like I'm a bad Mom. My nephew is going on a mission and I'm sure that my sister-in-law pities me a little. I pity myself, and how wrong is that? Is this a pride issue? Sometimes it might be, but for the most part, I'm just so sad for this missed opportunity. I'm so sad that he isn't following what our Prophet has asked each young man to do. It makes me want to do that much better, to read the scriptures more, to hold Family Home Evening more often, and above all to show my children how much I love them and teach them that their Father in Heaven loves them too. And how important it is to follow His Teachings. To remember Him always.
Well...I've had to accept his decision (Wade's) and since it's all done, I might as well get over it and be O.K. I am proud of him. He's a good kid, for the most part, with complications. What teenager doesn't have "complications"? The Navy will be good for him. And since he's there I sure feel a little more patriotic. I think of the military in a different light. And I love him. Unconditionally. Without reservation. I love him so much...
In which I improvise trees . . .
6 years ago
8 comments:
Oh I'm probably not the one to comment much on this subject. I never had brothers so I don't know what it's like having them reach the age when they have to decide a mission or not. BUT I have three AMAZING men in my life whom never served missions...my husband, dad, and grandpa. I'll let you know that my grandpa is now a temple sealer. My parents raised us girls with high gospel standards. We have all chosen to marry in the temple for eternity. We all keep the gospel in our homes and strive to live every day to be good parents and teachers for our children. I do think that mission are good and I hope that Logan chooses to go on one. I think that men that complete full missions can be better in all areas of life. It's so hard being a mother because we just want the best for our children...and we think we know what that is. Just remember that the Lord works in misterious ways. Your son will change lives in the Navy.
My Gramps went into the military at 19 instead of a mission and told his Mom "that's what I am doing, and you have no say so". He is now a temple sealer and has been on 5 missions with my Grandma. Don't worry. Hopefully he will be the strong one and realize how important the gospel is. Make sure he gets a blessing so he can stay strong!! Keep your chin up!! You are a great mom!!!!! I want to be you when I grow up. =)
Julie- you don't know stacy she is my college roommates friend but, her Gramps is totaly awesome! He's one of my favorite people. I secretly wish I belonged to stacy's family. Just because she has a great family (not because I like her brothers).
He is serving his country and can be a great example there. Remember every member is a missionary. Maybe the person who is waiting for him is in the Navy too!
Oh, Julia! I just want to give you a BIG hug. First because you have shared such a sad feeling that most of us mom's COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from.
Second, because you are the BEST mom that Wade could ever have. You have already shown him that no matter what (family talking, dreams dashed, etc. etc.) you will be there with unconditional love, support and help with advice and love that only a mother can give.
My hat is SO off to you. You have truly shown him what it means to be there for him always. It is SO hard to do when you dreamed of him going on a mission.....but let me tell you....I have seen SO many mother's ruin their relationship with their sons completely because their sons chose not to go on a mission. Not you. You will still have him in your life. You will still be able to guide him. Still be able to contact him. Still be able to help him through some of the most terrible and yet great years of his life. They lost that chance. But you have not. You are inspiring!
P.S. My husband chose not to go on a mission too. It broke his Mother's heart. But she remained is friend.
My husband has regretted his decision terribly since then. But he truly has had his mother to help him guide him back to where he needed to be in the gospel plan shortly there after. HE is not perfect man (who is), but he is totally active in the church. Has held numerous callings (he is presently the Bishop of our ward) and truly can relate to the youth. Especially our sons.
Here's my hug to you. *HUGS*
Jules,
Yeah, I read the blog again....and bawled again. I read the comments left for you and can't agree more with all of them. What I can tell you is that we NEVER seem to know why things happen and what could be in store for us when they do. Sometimes the most awful things happen to the most wonderful people...and then the most AWESOME things happen in consequence. Honestly....miracles even. I think there are so many opportunities that Wade COULD have...he could teach someone the gospel, give someone a book of mormon that travels the world, meet his soulmate, learn that his Heavenly Father loves HIM and knows HIM. So many things could happen. There will be many opportunities for his growth...some that he will miss and some that he will realize and take the opportunity to learn from. You are right Jules, he IS a good boy, and he IS loved. We will all miss him. Love ya sis!
Julia, I found your blog through Chantri's and even though I don't know you, I wanted to send you a hug! Both my husband and father did not serve missions and you can not find two finer men who are active in the church and hold the priesthood. You have given your son the foundation, you planted the seed...you have done all that has been asked of you. I found this online and hope it helps...
Elder Orson F. Whitney said: “You parents of the wilful and the wayward! Don’t give them up. Don’t cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours—long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings the fulness of accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend. …"
Your son sounds like a fine young man with a tender heart - especially for his mom. You are in my prayers. Keep saying your and know your Heavenly Father knows your heart. I hope I am not out of line and sticking my nose in...
just know as moms we all worry in so many ways and it helps to have support from others.
Is it rude to comment on a blog of a person you don't know?
Maybe... but then, the truth is that I found your blog through Nikki's, read your post about your soldier, and want to comment.
So I am. Hope it's not out of place.
:D
My two younger brothers also haven't gone on missions, and my mom has dealt with very very similar feelings. People can say, "Don't be too hard on yourself." But the fact is, it's hard, and it's hard for a long time. I'm so sorry you have to go through this... But on the other hand, I'm glad your son is trying to do something constructive with his life. He's not just "floating" around making bad decisions. That says miles about his character and I'm sure he will grow up a lot in the next few years.
Praying for you,
Alisa
Dear Mom,
I don't know when you will read this. It maybe tonight, it may be a month from now. But I wanted to take this time to tell you, I am your son. I have ben all my life. Just as you've been my mother, the same. I haven't made all the best choices. And I have hurt you more than I care to admit. I regret so much in my past, and at times its all that occupies my mind. And to be honest, theres a lot tht I regret about my present. I've been through phase after phase. Temptation after temptation. I've loved you and I've been so terribly infuriated by you that it could have been mistaken for hate. But I will always know that you are here for me. That you support my decisions, whether you agree with them or not. And that you love me. Mom, I don't know what I would do without you. There are so many things I wish I could take back. I wish that those times you cried because of me, the ones that I just cursed at you for, I wish I had hugged you and told you everything would be ok. I may not have been the best son. And in the ocean of religion, I was the fishing boat that swayed the entire time I was in the rough seas. But one thig is for sure, I have and will always hold you in te deepest part of my heart. Whether or not it is spoken, I will love you the same. I'm sorry I didn't go on a mission. it was nothing that you did, or didn't do. It wasmy own self. My pride and my selfishness. I lived for the now, rather than living the life I knew I should. But I DID decide to go on a mission. And although I decided against a conventional one, I am serving in a different way. I have told many people of the religion. I've disspelled countless rumors that many have held. I've met people from all parts of the globe and I've influenced them, even in the slightest ways. Even if they do not see it. I've invited some to church. And I've showed people the book of mormon. I've told people of Joseph Smith. And I've told people of God and his beloved son, Jesus christ. I may not be on a mission, but I AM a missionary. I KNOW that I am in the navy for a reason. And I KNOW that something good is coming from this. I love you mom. Deeply and truly From the deepest depths of my heart. You are my mother, and that will never change.
P.S. I need another pocket size book of mormon... I left mine with Parker Reinert in Great Lakes... lol
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